If you are UK-based the fine weather we have been having recently has probably not missed your attention. After a long winter, the few days where the warm sunshine has hit our alabaster-white, close to blue-looking skin, has probably had you glowing with joy – summer is coming! Or at least spring is right? Blue skies and anything over 17 degrees, and you can see people almost skip down the street, one step away from breaking out in a Mary Poppins song. Hell, I even feel like doing that as I pass the blooming pink and white blossom trees en route to park/river/beer garden with the rest of the masses! Flip flop season is upon us, hallelujah!
Then it happens. Dah Dah Dah. It dawns on you…humph…
That Xmas pudding hasn’t quite left your tummy yet, and your winter ‘reserves’ have been reluctant to let go, adding a whole lot of extra layers to your really-underneath-it-all-skinny frame…
Now the approaching summer seems to loom ominously as a reminder that you need to get your A into G ASAP. It is time for drastic measures.
1. THE SHOPPING
As far as I’m concerned this could be applied to all forms of shopping. I’ve never really understood this predilection for shopping that some women have. It is, at best, a frustrating, exhausting experience where you can’t find anything when you need it; and at worst, can catapult you into dire depression for days, and make you want to run home to drink a bottle of wine and bemoan your genes and blame your parents! And when spring rears its little green head after the dark depths of big coats, scarves and hidden body parts, you will no doubt need to do a spot of shopping. Good luck. And have a shot of vodka.
2. THE DAMNED DIET
I love to exercise. Working out is a part of my life and I will happily do it. But diet? HELL NO! Feeling hungry all the time is the last thing I enjoy, so I avoid it like the plague. And while I eat quite healthily, since I put on my quit-smoking weight (read: ball breaker), I need to do something a little more strict with my diet if I’m truly honest with myself. The weight is shifting, slowly – so slowly that if it were a race, a 120 year turtle would bypass me! And as I would like to wear my bikini with pride this summer, it is time to face facts: Exercise AND diet are the way forward.
3. KEVIN AND PERRY GO LARGE
It is hard to enjoy yourself when you can’t quite find a comfortable position for the ridiculously short jean shorts that are digging into you like some sort of torture contraption, or when you would like to take a holiday snap of yourself looking effortlessly chic on the beach in Ibiza – yet when you grab the camera back from whichever poor sod was roped into taking the photo, you look more like Kevin and Perry Go Large (together) than Doutzen Kroes – and you are convinced it is the photographer’s fault! Optimistic is not a word I would use to describe how you feel at this point.
4. WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT
Word! Except, reality check, that is not possible, as most of us aren’t 5’9 lasses with appetites of horses and the metabolism of a 14-year-old boy – no sirry, the rest of us have to work damn hard at not eating all the chocolate/cake/insert anything bad here/ at one sitting! DISC-I-PLINE Baby.
5. THE BOTTOM LINE
So to all the women out there who are declaring war on the excess junk they are carrying around this spring – Diet, Exercise, and some Confidence – and when that all goes to pot, 500mg of Fukitol does the job 😉